Fifteen Reasons Why
by klainevines
Summary: Blaine Anderson finds a box full of cassette tapes on his bed. 8 cassette tapes, 15 stories. 15 reasons why Kurt Hummel killed himself. And Blaine is one of them. AU. Based off 'Thirteen Reasons Why' by Jay Asher.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello :) For those of you who have been reading my other fic, I've decided to make a new one! Don't worry, I'm still going to update Give Me Something To Believe In. But I read this book (Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher) and was incredibly moved by it. Some people didn't enjoy it, because they thought the main character's reasons for committing suicide wasn't a big deal. So I decided to write a fic based on the book, and Kurt's school life (with his bullying and everything) seemed like a big deal to me. And trust me, I'm completely happy Kurt was strong and didn't dare to commit suicide. But this was just revolving on if he did.  
><strong>**By the way, some things that Kurt mentions in this fic may not have occurred on Glee. Remember this is completely AU.  
><strong>**And if 'suicide' is a sensitive topic to read about, I have no problem in you closing this fic. Whatever makes you comfortable.  
><strong>**This chapter is short, because it's just the first chapter. The next chapters go into depth as to why Kurt killed himself and the stories are longer. This is just his introduction. It's in Blaine's POV. Hope you enjoy it! :D**

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><p>I walked into my house to hear the familiar sounds of my mother cooking dinner in the kitchen. It smelled like pasta, and it made my stomach growl of hunger. I hadn't eaten all day. Well, unless you call a few crackers and a fruit bars a proper meal, I haven't eaten all week. I dragged my feet on the ground, wondering why I was still living in this empty world and walked up the stairs without saying hi to my mom.<p>

When I got in a room, the first thing I noticed was a box. It wasn't a big box, but it was a small one either. It was just a box sitting in the middle of my bed. I walked closer to it and found that it hadn't been open. My mom must've got this when I was at school. It must be mine, otherwise mom would've opened it. Instantly, I took out some scissors from my drawer, sliced the taped middle in half and opened it up.

Tapes.

That's all they were. Just normal cassette tapes. I furrow my eyebrows and look over to my cassette player, thankful I kept it old school and had one. Looking back in the box, I checked to see if there were any letters or notes saying what these tapes were. The only thing that was written were on the tapes, and they were labelled '1', '2', '3', '4' and continued on to '15'- back to front.

Shaking my head I walked out of my room.

"Mom!" I called out loudly. My voice sounded a bit scratchy from all the crying that I've been going through. "Mom!" I yelled even louder.

"Blaine?" She walked over to the end of the stairs. "Oh, I didn't know you were home-"

"Why is there a box on my bed?"

At first, mom looked confused, as if she had no idea what I was talking about. But then her eyes widened a bit. "Oh yeah, someone had delivered that for you. I don't know what it is. I thought you would."

I nodded slowly and didn't say another word as I walked back into my room a shut the door. Well, I might as well see what these tapes are about. Grabbing the tape labelled '1', I quickly shoved it into my cassette player and pressed play.

It was silent at first, but I knew it was playing. Before I had a chance to press pause, a voice spoke.

_Hello everyone._

It wasn't just any voice.

_I bet you're probably wondering who this is, or why you're even listening to this random guy speak._

It wasn't a random guy.

_Or maybe some of you recognised my voice. Have you? If you haven't I'll give you a clue._

**ll**

I paused the tape and tried to control my breathing. Was this some sort of a sick joke? It wasn't funny. Kurt couldn't have… but he's…

**#**

_It starts with a K. Oh what the hell? It's Kurt. Kurt Hummel. By the time you're listening to this, I would be gone. Dead. And if you got a tape, and you're listening to this alone in your room, or wherever your house has a cassette player… you're one of the reasons why my life ended the way it did. If you're about to have a panic attack, fear not… some of you never deserved to be on this list. Some of you I think I have forgave. But most of you? Okay… I take that back. You can have a brief panic attack._

_And for those of you who are just sitting, or standing, confused or not bothering to care. Let me just get straight to it. In the next few tapes, you will be listening to my personal stories with the list of people who have been delivered these tapes. No I will not be telling when your part is. It's your decision to scan quickly through the tapes until your name pops up. But if you want the full reason as to why I… killed myself, then listen on._

_Each of you will be will have your own personal tape, dedicated just for you. Oh, don't celebrate just yet. The fun hasn't even begun._

_Hey that rhymes!_

I heard Kurt giggle and my heart felt like it was going to rip into shreds. I hadn't heard him laugh in a long time. Too long.

_But anyway. Before you turn over this tape, I should tell you my rules. There's only two. One, you must pass these tapes to the person that I talk about, after your tape. If you are the fifteenth person… well then I guess who can keep these tapes. Burn them, eat them, put them away in a dark, dark basement… I don't care. Just make sure the tapes don't get out. And I'm sure you wouldn't do that. You and the other fourteen people would never want anyone to find out they were the reason I'm no longer here. The second rule, you have to listen to your tape. Sounds simple? Good. _

**ll**

I stood up quickly and opened my window. I needed air. I couldn't breathe. Kurt… I miss him so much. I haven't heard his voice in weeks. I haven't heard him laugh in months…

And the reason was partially my fault? I'm such an idiot. What did I do? What did I do that was so damn horrible to make Kurt feel like this?

"Blaine!"

I groaned at the sound of my mom's voice.

"Blaine!"

I opened my door and a gush of air rushed to me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "What?"

"Food's ready!"

I went to the stairs and looked down at my mom. "I'm not hungry."

"Again? But I made spaghetti and meat balls. You're favorite." She frowned.

The excuse of "having a big meal at school" was getting older and older by the day, but I still used it.

I knew my mom didn't buy it. She continued to give me that stern stare and I sighed heavily. "Fine… just wait. I'll be right down."

With that, I walked back to my room and went straight to the cassette player. I had to finish this tape. I didn't know how I was going to eat after hearing Kurt's voice again, but I had to finish it.

_Okay, I won't hold you up for any longer. Just know if you guys ever receive cassette tapes like these again, someone took my idea. I thought of it, and I thought it was very clever._

He laughed again.

_Please continue listening. Trust me, you'll want to._

**[]**

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><p><strong>If you haven't picked it up already, when ll is shown- it means Blaine paused the tape. When # is shown, Blaine played the tape. And when [] is shown, the tape has stopped.<br>****Hope you guys liked that. Please review :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey :) So, first of all, I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed the first chapter, it really made my day :D Second of all, I'm on 2 week holiday from school (thank god), so I'm less busy. I'll be updating earlier than before. Third of all, I hope you enjoy this chapter! :) **

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><p>I picked on the spaghetti on my plate, and rolled the meatballs around. I had forgotten all about my empty stomach, and was just focusing on the tapes I received. That tape I listened to. This wasn't a joke- that was Kurt's voice. My boyfriend's voice which I yearned to listen to for weeks. This wasn't fair at all. What could I have possibly done to make Kurt feel the need to commit suicide? I tried to be the best boyfriend I can be.<p>

Clearly it wasn't enough.

Clearly I did something wrong.

Clearly… I'm a horrible person.

"Sweetie, you haven't touched your food." My mom interrupted my thoughts and I looked up at her.

"Sorry." I mumbled, poking my fork through a meatball and taking a small bite from it. It was hard to even swallow that tiny piece of meat. There was a huge lump in my throat and at any moment now, I knew I was going to burst out in tears. But not in front of my parents… especially my dad.

"I'm not hungry." I sighed, putting down my fork and standing up. "I have a lot of homework to do, so don't interrupt me." I drank a bit of my water to stop my voice from cracking. I saw my mom look at my dad, worriedly, through the glass of water. Putting down the glass, I walked away.

I had never run so fast up the stairs in my life. I needed to hear who the first person on the tape was. Who was the one that started all of this?

Oh dear god… please don't let it be my fault first.

I slammed my door as I walked into my room, and paced straight to the cassette player. I opened it, turned the tape around to the labelled "Tape 2". My finger slightly touched the play button and I took a deep breath. This is it. This is the start to why Kurt- my everything- did what he did. My hands were shaking and I was sweating up a storm. Taking another deep breath, I closed my eyes and pressed play.

**#**

_Hey everyone. Thanks for continuing to listen. Well… I guess I should start with the first person, but before I do, I'd like to remind you all that every one of you have done more than one thing to me. I would never have just one reason to kill myself. Everyone has a story. Every story comes with reasons. And Finn's comes with a few._

**ll**

Finn. Finn was the first person. I let out a huge breath I was holding in and closed my burning eyes. A couple weeks ago… just days after Kurt… did what he did… Finn was looking pale in Glee club. He looked sick. After Mr Schue mentioned how he used to listen to cassette tapes instead of CDs, Finn got up and ran out of the room. I understand why he did that now.

**#**

_I started with you Finn because I figured out something the other day. You were the first person that made me think about suicide. It wasn't a big thought. It just sort of… passed my mind. But I quickly pushed it away, thinking I was just being dramatic. And I guess you could say I was. I mean, I am known for my dramatic ways and everything I got upset over… I was always just "being dramatic"._

_This story starts off on the first of September, 2008. The start of freshman year at William McKinley High. As soon as I walked into that school I knew I was different. And I knew it wasn't a good thing. Someone, I'm not going to say who- but his name will pop up eventually-, pushed me to the locker. It hurt. It hurt like hell. Sure, I had been bullied before. But never physically. _

_And then Finn stuck up for me. Or at least I think he did. He stopped the guy and said something to him that I couldn't hear. Then he looked back at me and gave me a comforting smile before walking away._

_And that was it. You had me, Finn Hudson. Whatever you did to me, whatever you said to me, I didn't care. Because I was in love… or at least, I thought I was. Remember that time when you first slushied me? I do. I remember because that was the first time I actually got slushied. I was humiliated, horrified, and hurt. But when I went home that day, I lied to my dad and told him I accidently spilled the slushy on myself. Why did I do that? Because I knew my dad would've gotten angry and called the school or something. I didn't want you to get into trouble. If it was any other jock, I wouldn't have lied. But it was you. It was always you, Finn._

_The bullying never stopped and neither did my naïve love for you. And eventually, after a year of torments and threats, you finally starting paying attention to me and actually caring. Because you joined Glee club. You. The popular quarterback joined the lamest club in the school. At first I thought it was all a joke. I thought your friends put you up to it just for the laughs. But as it turned out, you were actually talented. Who would've thought?_

_At our first real rehearsal for Glee club, you rolled Artie in from god knows where and you apologised to me. You said you were tired of being the person you were before. But were you Finn? Because you didn't seem to change. I wanted to give you a couple days… maybe even weeks, to adapt to the new lifestyle you had chosen. The only difference was that you were still in Glee club._

_But it was okay because I loved you._

_I'll admit it, Finn. My crush on you did seem a bit… stalker-ish. But it definitely wasn't intentional. I just wanted to be as close to you as possible. Because I just wanted what everyone had- someone to love me._

But I love you, Kurt. You already had what everyone had. I loved you more than anything in the world. I… love you… not loved.

_And you were just so nice to me, Finn. You weren't like the other jocks. You were different. And I wanted so badly for you to feel the same way about me._

_The point isn't about how you didn't love me back. Although that hurt me before, it's not even a problem to me now. Crushes come and go… I understand that. What I don't understand is how you can constantly step all over me, yet still call yourself a good brother. I don't understand how you promised never to hurt me, or let anyone else hurt me, but still do so. _

_Remember when I decorated our room, Finn? Remember when you called me that word? That word that I constantly had been called, yet it never killed until you said it?_

_Faggot._

_That was it Finn. That's when suicide crossed my mind. As soon as I heard the word come out of your mouth. Not when I thought I was losing my dad. Not when no one at school were accepting me. But when you said 'faggot'._

_And when my dad came in, and yelled at you… I defended you again. I told him to relax. I told him that I didn't take it that way. But I did take it that way, Finn. _

_You were playing the nice guy act, and I believed it. I wonder how many times you've thought about that word when I was around. I wonder how many times you were dying to blurt it out, but you didn't want to affect your image. _

_And if my dad didn't hear you say it… would you have even apologised?_

_Would you have even dressed in that ridiculous Lady Gaga costume and saved me from getting beat up?_

_I believed you when you said you'd never let anyone lay a hand on me. I thought we were going to be good friends after that. Great friends even. I was expecting that._

_But of course, my expectations were crushed. _

_Remember when we went out as a family to Breadstix during that summer? My dad and Carole went to go get some napkins and cutlery from the front, and these guys from our school walked passed and called me a fairy. I looked at you, expecting you to say something. But you just looked the other way. You were hiding your face. You didn't want anyone to see you were with me, even though there were clearly four drinks on the table. _

_At first I shrugged it off, thinking you didn't want to ruin the family dinner by starting a fight. I lied to myself and convinced myself that you didn't hear what the guys said. I told myself that you were just looking the other way because you saw something out the window. _

_But then junior year started, and the bullying never stopped, only got ten times worse. I was slushied on the first day back to school. I was pushed, locked in a locker, thrown in the garbage, slushied, all in one week. When I brought it up to you, I seriously thought I could count on you to stick up for me. But what did you do?_

_You shrugged your shoulders and said you couldn't do anything about it._

_You made me think the bullying was my fault. Did you notice how I toned down my choice of clothing? I still wore designer clothes, but it wasn't as extravagant as before. I toned down everything. I stopped talking as much. I stopped eating as much._

_And when we had our duets competitions, I just wanted one to sing one song with a boy. Just one song. I wasn't going to fall in love with him. I wasn't going to break up dad and Carole, and hook up my dad and his mom. I just wanted to simply sing with him. Because he seemed like a really nice guy and he didn't judge me. He didn't lose his patience with me, and he didn't care that I was gay. I had never met any straight guy like him. So I wanted to get to know him better. _

_But once again Finn, you made me think I was doing something horrible. You made me think I was ruining that guy's life by singing a duet with him. Sure… his reputation would've faltered slightly… but trust me, that wouldn't have been my fault. That would've been his own fault for joining Glee club. _

_But still, I didn't end up singing a duet with him because of you. I wasn't satisfied with my Le Jazz Hot performance and I don't think I ever would be. I was singing with myself._

_I was singing… with myself. _

_If that sentence doesn't describe my life, then I don't know what would._

_Around November, I was practically screaming for your help, Finn. Not only yours… but everyone's. I needed someone, anyone, to help me. You had no idea what happened to me Finn. But you knew something was up. Surely you had heard me crying myself to sleep every night. Surely you had seen me hardly eating anything at family dinner. Surely you took a peek at my journal which happened to just be lying around the floor. I was hoping you would read my journal, because I needed help, Finn. I needed help from you. Because I counted on you and I still trusted you to protect me. I know you knew I needed help… you just didn't do anything. Once again, you didn't help me with anything until my dad found out about all the bullying._

_You made a sweet speech at our parents' wedding. But did I believe any of it? No. Not one bit of it. You had lost all my trust._

_When I moved to Dalton Academy, it was like I never even existed to you anymore. When you were helping me pack my bags, you said you would call me to make sure I was okay at my new school. You didn't call. Not even once._

_Was it because you forgot, or because you simply didn't care? _

_I tried calling you… you never answered your phone. I went to your football game to support you and the Glee club… you never said thanks. When Rachel threw that party, I wanted you to ask me to come along. I wanted you to say to invite some friends from Dalton. Instead, I had to force it out of your mouth and use blackmail as a way for you to invite me. When I went to the Glee club's Night of Neglect… once again, you didn't even thank me for coming. Of course, you expected me to come… but a simple thanks was needed. At least the others did._

_All in all, I had come to the conclusion that you never cared about me, Finn. Whenever you did stick up for me… it was always to make you seem like the better guy. You probably never did any of this intentionally... and I probably am being dramatic._

_But do you see how scarred I am because of you? _

_I find it hard to trust people now. Every time I needed help, I knew no one would bother helping me. Every little thing you put me through, it affected me so much more than you could imagine._

It suddenly when very quiet and I thought the tape had stopped. But it didn't, because I could faintly hear Kurt's steady breathing. I waited for him to speak. It passed a minute until I heard his voice again.

_And don't think I didn't see you through the door when I was self-harming. The door was opened very slightly and you were peeking through it… wide-eyed. You walked away after a few seconds and pretending you didn't see anything._

_I needed your help, Finn._

_I needed everyone's help._

_Why didn't you bother to help me? _

**[]**

My heart stopped beating. Self-harming? Kurt had never spoken to me about…

No. That's got to be some sort of double-meaning thing. Kurt never had any cuts or anything. He was perfectly put together.

But then again, I thought he was perfectly put together on the inside as well. How could I be so oblivious and not see how broken he truly was?

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><p><strong>And that's all there is to it. If Finn or any of this characters pop up as one of Kurt's reasons, please don't think I wrote them because I'm hating on them. I'm simply writing down the people I think would've impacted Kurt's suicide. Please review :) Tell me your criticisms, and what you liked, and whatever you want :) Just don't be mean. And I'll update soon so stick around. :)<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello everyone. First of all... I received a lot of reviews on the last chapter (well, a lot for me) and I just wanted to say thank you so much! Like seriously... take my heart. You all have my heart. Just take it.  
>Second of all, I know I said I would be posting things earlier now that I'm on break, but I really can't keep my word on things. I'm not going to promise anything anymore. A chapter will come when it comes.<br>****Third of all, I forced myself to write this chapter because I know I couldn't tomorrow. It's currently 12:26 am here in the land down under, and I'm actually really freaking tired. So I haven't read over this... sorry if there is any mistakes. I'm seriously about to sleep. Anyway... I hope you enjoy this chapter :)**

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><p>I looked back at the box filled with cassette tapes on my bed. I could not listen to these. I could pretend I did, and just guess who I should send them to…<p>

But what if I was the last reason?

What if Kurt was holding onto me because I was the only person keeping him alive? Then I did something… something terrible that made Kurt think he had no one?

Getting up quickly, I opened the cassette player and took out the tape from it. I threw it in the box and just stared. I couldn't sit in my room and listen to these tapes. I needed to be somewhere. Somewhere that reminded me of my boyfriend. My dead boyfriend. My dead boyfriend who killed himself because of a lot of reasons… one of them being me.

Shaking my head, I sat on my bed and took a deep breath. I couldn't cry… not now. I only heard one reason… it was only Finn's fault…

For now.

I looked over at my opened closet. There had to be a Walkman somewhere in that mess. I got up and fumbled through everything that was on the floor of my closet- clothes, CDs, movies, scarves, shoes- until I found it. It was dusty and a bit scratched, but it looked like it worked. It had to.

I grabbed the box from my bed and headed out my room and down the stairs. I had to get out of this house. But before I could, unsurprisingly, my dad spoke up.

"Blaine, where are you going? I thought you said you had homework."

I looked back at my dad. "I just have to… work with someone else. Yeah… it's a group project and my group is meeting at the library."

He didn't believe me. Not one word… and why should he? I'm a terrible liar.

"Alright." He mumbled, grabbing the television remote and turning on the TV. "Just… don't be long. And if you're walking, get someone to drop you off back home. I don't want you walking home at night."

I nodded and walked out of the door, before my mom came in and started talking to me. It was going to be a long walk until I found the place I wanted to be at. Might as well listen to the next tape while I walk there. I took out the tape labelled "Tape 3", put it in the Walkman and pressed play before I could change my mind.

It was then I realised my hands had been shaking for a really long time.

**#**

_One person down… fourteen more to go. I bet you're all just shaking with anticipation and excitement, aren't you? _

No, Kurt. You got it all wrong.

_Now… Mercedes._

I stopped in my tracks and gasped a little. Mercedes? But Kurt, Mercedes and Rachel were the  
>best of friends. Why would she do something to Kurt? Kurt told me how they used to be so close. And how they joined the Cheerios together…<p>

Oh… but that was then. They "used to be" close…

_Mercedes… you were such a wonderful best friend. I remember how we'd have our sleepovers and how we'd go shopping together. Remember how we used to make each other clothes? Remember how we called each other "best friends"? Remember how we'd always have time for each other? How, no matter what, we'd always be there for a shoulder to cry on, or a person to laugh with? I remember. But, clearly, you don't._

_We met in Glee club, sophomore year. Even though I made fun of your choice of clothing, I knew we'd be really close. We both were divas, we both had flawless sense of fashion, we were both talented… or you know… at least I thought I was. _

_You were the first person I had come out to, Mercedes. I barely had admitted to myself… but I did to you. I knew you would not judge me. I knew you wouldn't care. I told you I wasn't that confident to come out to anyone else… _

_So why did you end up telling the whole Glee club I was gay? _

_I know some of you probably already figured it out… but that never gave you the right to basically out me. It's hard being the only person knowing someone else's secret, but I thought I could trust you. You were my best friend… why shouldn't I have trusted you? You never gave me a reason not to. I never told anyone your secrets, and I still kept them after you told everyone mine. _

_When I confronted you about it, you told me to relax and that everyone already knew anyway. No matter how obvious I made it out to be, that never gave you the right to actually confirm it yourself. But I forgave you, Mercedes. I forgave you because if I lost you… I'd have no one else._

_Our friendship grew only stronger through the year and I could not be any happier. Whenever I was having a bad day, you definitely knew how to cheer me up. And I loved you so much as a best friend, 'Cedes. You were so amazing. But then summer came, and you went to visit your grandparents in Montana. We hardly talked on the phone but that was because you were always busy. Our friendship was started to slowly fade, and we knew it. When junior year started, I tried to talk to you again. But you always had plans with someone else. You never bothered approaching me at school, only if you wanted to talk to someone I was with._

_The night I desperately needed a friend, I called you. Thankfully you picked up, but you said you were busy. I quickly asked if I did something wrong before you hung up. You said that I did nothing, and that you were sorry you had been so busy lately. Then you quickly said we could catch up later, and hung up in my face. _

_I didn't want to catch up later, Mercedes. I needed to catch up right then and there. You heard the desperation in my voice; you knew it was a cry for help. You were just "too busy" to help. That night… I harmed myself for the first time. I couldn't help it. I had no one… absolutely no one. People would talk to me, a simple "hi, how are you, okay bye"… but it never felt as though I had any friends. I missed you, Mercedes. I missed how you would instantly cheer me up. I missed how you would let me cry when I needed to cry. I missed how you would just listen._

**ll**

I sat down on a bench nearby, and put the boxes of tapes down. My heart was beating faster than ever. The thought of Kurt even thinking about hurting himself made me sick to my stomach. How could Kurt think he had no one? The entire Glee club cared about him… I cared about him. Mercedes sure as hell cared about him.

Why would he do this?

I got up, put my hands on my knees and looked down. I needed to throw up… I couldn't keep walking. It's just too much… I loved him too much.

I _love _him too much.

Nothing was coming out… not yet at least. I sat on the bench again, and took another deep breath. I had to keep listening…

**#**

_You probably never knew how much you were affecting me… but couldn't you tell? I was your best friend… didn't that mean anything to you?_

_The next day, I met someone. Someone so special and so amazing. I'm so glad I had him in my life, because without him… I probably would've ended it long before now. And finally… I had someone to finally talk to. _

This was me. I knew he was talking about me. Oh god… Kurt… Kurt was speaking about me. Tears finally brimmed in my eyes, and soon enough they were pouring down, and I was sobbing louder than ever.

_When you finally started paying attention to me, Mercedes. I was happy… but I blew you off. I told you I was busy with the friend I met. I was going to give you a taste of your own medicine, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. While my new friend was great at listening and talking to me… he wasn't you. So I told you that you could join us for dinner at Breadstix, and you did._

_Our friendship was slowly starting to repair, and I even tried to hook you up with a cute guy from the football team. But then our little date at Breadstix came along, and slowly it came tumbling down. I'll admit, me and my friend had been a little excited in our conversations. And sure, you probably didn't know some things we were talking about, but you could've joined. You could've showed a little interest. It was our first time out together in a really long time, and you looked so bored. I understand you were a little mad at the whole "tots" situation at school, but was that a reason for ignoring almost everything my friend and I were talking about?_

_After that, I still talked to you because I still needed a friend. I helped you with the "tots" situation… and after that… our friendship faded once more. You found interest in other people, and other people started being your friend. That was okay… I'm not saying you can't have your own friends. Just don't leave me out to do so._

_We still hang out, Mercedes. It just never was like it was sophomore year. And every time I try to get you to listen to my problems, you do exactly what you did in Breadstix. You look and sound completely bored._

_I'm sorry Mercedes._

_I'm sorry I was a burden._

_I'm sorry I annoyed you with my problems._

_But most of all, I'm sorry for not trying harder to make this friendship like it was before. _

_I could never find a best friend like you, 'Cedes… never._

**[]**

I threw the Walkman, and headphones into the box and stood up. He just needed a simple friend. Not a boyfriend… a friend. This wasn't about me. I didn't need to cry.

But Kurt…

I grabbed the box, and continued walking. I couldn't continue listening now… I needed to get rid of the tears and shake these feelings away.

These feelings of hurt, loss, sadness, anger…

Kurt should have never sent out these tapes. I don't want to know my reason… and frankly, everyone's else's reasons are making me anxious and nervous for mine.

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><p><strong>Please review :) Reviews make me happy, and I need all the happiness I can get.<br>Oh! And if you have any questions, or just simply want to annoy the hell out of me to start working on the next chapter (I'm a procrastinator), then go on my tumblr and ask away :) My tumblr url is bowtiebabies . tumblr . com**

**Oh and also, y****ou are very beautiful and someone loves you very much.**

**That it all.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello :D Wow, you look beautiful today! Gosh, I haven't posted in a while and there is a very good/typical reason: I've been busy. Now before you start to not believe me, let me explain myself. I've never been one to cope with stress. So I put off writing for a while to focus on and only my studies. My exams/assignments for this term are finally over (holla!) so now I can get back to writing. I'm so sorry for not updating. People who actually follow my story (if there's anyone) I don't blame you if you've stopped bothering. But I promise I'll update more :)  
><strong>**Anyway, enjoy this chapter!**

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><p>Ten minutes had passed since I started walking, but it felt as if it's been ten hours. All I could think about was how it was my fault. It was my fault Kurt killed himself. It was my fault Kurt isn't here. I was the one person who was meant to make him happy and feel loved. I was his boyfriend… and I made him want to kill himself.<p>

My steps became slower and eventually I just stopped walking and looked at where I was. The park. It was a park Kurt and I would go to whenever we just wanted to talk. I found it when I was twelve years old- after my dad was yelling at me. I walked out of my house and just kept walking until I found this park. Ever since then, I'd come here to think. And when I met Kurt… well I had thought this was a good place for Kurt to just speak, and for me to listen to all he had to say.

"Does anyone even come here?" He asked, the first time I showed him the place.

"No, not really." I smiled. "It's basically deserted."

Kurt just stared at everything; the way the tree leaves were falling down slowly and the two red swings slightly swaying back and forth in unison. The grass was dying, turning into an unpleasant brown color, but Kurt didn't seem to mind. He looked peaceful, happy even.

"Thank you for taking me here." He simply said.

I looked at the spot Kurt was sitting- in the middle of the dead grass. A few months ago, we were sitting here, happy and carefree. I sat in my usual spot and looked to my left. For a second, I expected to see Kurt. But, of course, he wasn't there. He never will be.

Putting the box in front of me, I took out the Walkman and headphones. I looked at it for a while, before opening it and taking out the tape and turning it over to 'Tape 4'. I took in a deep breath and lied down on the grass. Wind blew through my hair as I closed my eyes and pressed play.

**#**

_Hello everyone. Thanks for continuing to listen. Like every story, there is always that one person who makes you feel completely useless- even at the things you thought you were really good at. That person's name is Rachel Barbra Berry. _

I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding in. It was Rachel's turn now. Not mine. A wave of relief washed over me.

_I bet you thought you could do nothing wrong, isn't that right? I mean, you're Rachel Berry. One of a kind; born a star, born perfect. Well you, and everyone else who thought that, are wrong. In fact, you're probably the person who made me feel the worst. _

_Please don't get me wrong, Rachel. I love you. You're my best friend, and I'm sure some of the reasons were definitely not intentional. But you still deserve to hear the full explanation as to why you're on the list._

_I remember when I first saw you. It was freshman year, and I was walking past the choir room. I heard you belting out Defying Gravity- one of my most favorite songs from one of my most favorite musicals. I loved singing Defying Gravity. I never once doubted my ability on that song. I knew if I was ever a woman, I'd be the perfect Elphaba. But when I heard you sing, Rach… I remember thinking to myself, "Wow… I'm not as good as her". It was a simple thought that passed my mind, and I didn't think much of it then. But that thought was just the start to my self-esteem slowly lowering._

_When I joined Glee club in sophomore year, it wasn't much of a surprise that you joined as well. And you were… well, a lot of things, Rachel. You were loud, annoying, selfish, narcissistic, very obnoxious… but I didn't hate you because of that. I hated you because you were and always will be better than me at everything. _

_Before I heard you sing, I thought I was the most talented person in school. In Lima, actually. And it's not because I was conceited or anything- it's just that I had never met anyone better than me. _

He softly chuckled.

_Okay, that still sounded conceited. What I mean is that I've always thought there was something special about me. I thought my talent would be the thing that was going to make me better than everyone else; the thing that would get me away from everyone else in this town. _

_Anyway, so I was in Glee club with you, which meant that I had to hear you sing every single day. Every time I heard you sing, I would just keep thinking that you were so much more amazing and special and talented than I was. I would go home every day and sing for hours until I felt as special as you. I never did. My dad always called me to eat dinner, and that's when I'd stop singing. Nothing good came out of those practices; only a sore throat and a decrease in my self-esteem._

_Remember when Mr Schuester let you get sing 'Defying Gravity' and then we had that whole "diva off"? I know I acted like I was going to win and that I was more talented to you. But honestly? I was petrified. I knew you were going to do a better job than me- we all knew that. After my dad got a phone call saying that I was a "fag", I blew the last note because I didn't want my dad getting more phone calls like that. At first, I was upset. But as the day went on, I realised, there was no reason for me to be upset. You were much better than me at that song. You were going to win either way. _

_I remember when you told me you were in love with Finn. I was giving you a make-over and, after you told me, I was furious. I was so angry because I knew, in the end, you would have Finn as well. You would have it all; the talent, the success, my crush. So, I made you look like a complete slut and lied to you. I wanted Finn to not like you that way, even though I knew he sort of already did. You ended up finding out I was lying and you told me off. I tried to bring you down as much as possible- to make you feel as bad as I felt. But then you said it. _

"_If I were second, or fiftieth, I'd still be ahead of you because I'm a girl."_

_I don't know whether I should be upset with you, or thanking you. You made me feel horrible at that moment because you made me realise that I didn't have what I thought I had or would have. I didn't have talent, I didn't have love, and I would never have Finn. But then again, you did open my eyes and made me see reality. So thank you for that._

_Although I didn't stop pursuing Finn, I still remembered that I was chasing a fantasy._

_By junior year, we started to actually become friends after we sang our duet in Glee club. I started to trust you, I really did. Which was hard for me to do, considering how many times I had been let down in the past. When I met Blaine, I told you about him. I told you how much I loved him and how much I wanted to be with—_

There was silence. I didn't realise my heart had stopped until nothing was playing. I looked at the Walkman and realised the tape had stopped. Was it the end of the tape? No. It couldn't be. Why would the tape end in the middle of the sentence? I turned it around and smacked it. Silence. I smacked it again, even harder. Still silence.

Then I realised, I hadn't changed the batteries in a long time. The batteries died.

I quickly took off my headphones and threw the Walkman on the ground, in anger. I didn't have my wallet with me, so I couldn't buy new batteries. I couldn't go back home because then I'd have to stay home.

It had to stop while Kurt brought me up. He said my name. He was talking about me. I started to tear up and grabbed my phone, quickly calling the first person I saw. It wasn't until they picked up that I realised who I called.

"Sebastian?"

"Oh… hey Blaine." Sebastian said. He sounded nervous, like he didn't know what to say that'll make me not break down and cry. "Are you okay? I mean… Why'd you call? Not that I don't want you to but… it's kind of random."

I shook my head. "I don't know… I don't know. I just need batteries." God, I sounded like such an idiot.

"Batteries? Blaine, are you drunk?"

I sighed. "No, I'm not drunk. Can you please just…" I wiped my tears and tried to stop my voice from shaking. "Please just come and bring me some batteries? I know it sounds stupid but I…" I continued to cry. I felt like such an idiot. Sebastian was going to laugh at me.

"Oh." Sebastian simply said, like he knew what I was talking about. "Are you… Don't worry. I'm coming. Where are you?"

I told him the directions from my house to where I was, because this park didn't really have a name. It was just always here. After I hung up, I hoped Sebastian was being serious and was actually coming to bring me batteries.

I realised it wasn't just the batteries I needed, but someone to cry to. Anyone. And if that someone was Sebastian… well, so be it. I looked to my left.

"Sorry Kurt." I whispered softly, trying to imagine Kurt there. "I know you hate Sebastian, but I need someone here with me. He'll understand. His dad died two years ago…" I paused. Kurt wasn't here. I was talking to thin air. Kurt wasn't listening… he never will. Not anymore.

Twenty minutes past and just as I thought Sebastian wasn't going to show up, he did. I saw him get out of his car and walk over to me.

"Hey." He said, sitting next to me.

He sat on my right side, which was good because Kurt was the only person who was allowed to sit on my left.

"Thanks for coming." I replied.

Sebastian nodded, focusing on the box of tapes. My mind filled with a bunch of excuses and I had to pick one that sounded reasonable.

"I, um… I'm listening to a bunch of my dad's old tapes of his favorite songs and deciding which one to choose to sing in Glee club."

He continued staring for a while before looking at me. He reached over and picked up the Walkman I threw and gave it to me. He took out some batteries from his pocket and handed them to me. "I know it's hard now, but it's not so bad. Trust me."

I furrowed my eyebrows "Wait… what?"

"I'm sorry for being an ass to your boyfriend," he said, apologetically. It even sounded like he was going to cry. "And for being an ass to you as well. Just know that… I never wanted any of this to happen."

I stayed silent, not knowing what to say. Does Kurt talk about Sebastian on one of these tapes? Has Sebastian received these tapes before I did? I looked back at Sebastian and realised there was tears running down his cheeks. He must've noticed me looking because he quickly stood up.

"I need to go. Have fun choosing… songs." He walked away.

"Thanks!" I called out, feeling stupid, again, for not saying anything else.

When I saw his car drive away, I quickly replaced the batteries of the Walkman and pressed play.

_Him. Then you through that whole drunken-mess of a party, and you kissed him. I understand that you were drunk, but what about after that? You asked him out… and I felt exactly how I felt the year before. I thought that Blaine was going to fall in love with you, like Finn fell in love with you. I felt horrible; especially after you guys went on the date. I know I acted like I was so sure Blaine was gay, but that was because I was trying to convince myself that more than I was trying to convince you._

_Luckily, he did come to his realisations and this time I was lucky. But why did you even do it, Rachel? You knew I was in love with him. You knew he was gay. Did you really have to go and chase after him as well? _

_I was willing to let that go. You made a mistake- you weren't going to do it again._

_But then senior year happened, and God, I was so wrong. _

_I auditioned for the role of Tony for West Side Story. You told me you were really excited that I was going to be your Tony, because you were so sure you were getting the role of Maria. After I overheard the judges saying I was too "feminine" for the role of Tony, I asked you for a favour. To help me do a scene from Romeo and Juliet. And of course, you said you'd love to play the Juliet to my Romeo. So we quickly got into costume and started performing in front of the judges. I heard them laughing and snickering at me. But I tried to keep my focus. But then you laughed… a-and I honestly don't know why I was so surprised when you did. When I ran off, I stayed in the bathroom crying until school ended. I was so hurt that I trusted you enough to make me seem like the perfect Tony, but you laughed at me. You laughed at how terrible I was. Which, I guess I am. Especially compared to you. _

No, Kurt. You're wrong. You're perfect. You were more amazing than anyone could ever be.

_But at least I had Senior Class President to win. Even though I wasn't good at anything, I still could make a change in the school. But then you ran for Senior Class President and I knew that there was no way in hell that I was going to win, competing with you. But after a while of silent treatment, and a guilty conscience, you dropped out._

_And once again, I thought I was going to win. I thought I was finally going to get what I wanted. But then, of course, you decided to stuff the ballot box._

_Now, there's a side of me who is willing to believe you did it because you wanted to help me, but there's another side of me who thinks you did it because you just love to ruin my life. Of course, I'm being completely selfish and ridiculous when I say this but I still, kind of, sort of think you did it on purpose. What kind of person would stuff the ballot box with more than what they're supposed to? I would've won, Rachel. But you couldn't even stand the fact that I was going to win at something, so you decided to ruin that chance for me._

_Maybe you didn't do it intentionally, maybe you did. But that side of me that believes you did will always be stronger than the other side. And it's not because of you… well, it kind of is. But it's because of everyone else who had killed my happiness. _

_Finally, we get up to the end of this school year. We had our NYADA auditions. We all know what happened there. I did fabulous and you choked. Now this reason isn't particularly your fault, but I needed to add it in somewhere. And you're the person that felt more appropriate to add this in. _

_For the first time, I thought I did well in something. I thought I finally was getting what I thought I deserved. I thought I was going to get into NYADA. But I didn't. And once again, I don't know why I was surprised. I probably was horrible at my audition like I always am._

My heart shattered into pieces at the sound of Kurt softly crying.

_And obviously you got in. Because you're Rachel Berry, remember? You're better than Kurt. You always have been a-and you always will be._

**[]**

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><p><strong>There you have it. Just a little note: I was thinking about decreasing the number of reasons for this story, which means the title will be changed to probably about 10 (?) Reasons Why. I don't know. Please tell me what you think and please review! :) <strong>


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